Caffeinated Dreaming

I haven't written. Not in a while i suppose. Not in a long while. It feels childish. This game of give and take. This never-ending threat of tears which i then push down with cold and numbness because i don't want to feel. No, not that even. I just don't think it's right to feel. How do they do it all? How do they seem so happy so often....It just never works out right. "the best friend". That's my character type. Im too ugly, too fat, to honest, too depressed and weird and awkward to play the hero. She's everything im not. Beauty and grace and strength. Tell me. Have you ever seen a hero cry? Or push away all of the ones that love her because she is repulsed by her own self. Maybe temporarily. But it never lasts for long. Because life? that goes on. But not when you're alone. And when the feelings drown you. The measuring and running and giving up and starting over only to end up with more than you bargined for and less than you can handle. I can't stand it. Any of it. And they're all gone. I'll start over again in less than a year but i don't even know if i can do it. i've spent 14 years with the same 120 people. And now it's ending. And i'll be alone. It'll be the first time. Growing up is strange to me. I can feel myself pushing myself into these roles that seem all wrong. And everyone i've ever tried to impress, it doesn't matter.....none of it matters. Not that they were impressed anyway. I just wish....i just want it to be gone. but it'll be ok. because...life goes on. She said i'm silent. When i cry. Most people, they cry ugly. They tear themselves to pieces and let it all out. but i can't i just let it out. in streams. and it hurts but it won't ever leave. but it's gonna be ok.