"It's all blood and sweat, and life is what you manage in between."

Is it stupid? Ignorant? Naive? To wish for a false reality? To want to be loved, and supported? Because my friends seem to prove it so, and my aching brain is tired from twisting into mazes without ends. My mother used to say it was okay to be average. But thats just it isn't it? okay is average in and of itself. Is it wrong to want more? As I gather my strength I'm throwing my dreams into the fates, and my friends seem to throw them back, laughing in my face. Beyond that my mind feels dull. Like a blade that's been left unsharpened for too long every thought and sentence, usually beautifully crafted down to the last wit, has become jello far too slippery to cut or even grasp, dancing blithely out of reach. I struggle with the tiniest detail and, feeling shame for my own struggle, these details each transform into pins and needles stabbing the voodoo doll I've had tucked away in place of my heart since I was 12 years old. Then on top of that she mentioned I've gained weight. That awful phrase, those awful chains. I'd only just managed to chisel through half my other pair of cuffs with another dull object constructed of my brain. And so now, I'm shackling myself back up because I hadn't yet learned how to cope with an ED and lose weight at the same time. The thought itself seems so horrifyingly oxymoronic that it has thrown yet another chink in my maze of a mind. As if They weren't enough, there's a Her to deal with too and I'm still weak. Change is what humans are psychologically programmed to fear, yet I've dealt with more change in one half a year than I thought I could ever deal with in one life time and it's hard. I'm just not sure what to do, and my own mediocrity in every way is killing me with shame. I'm hungry but yet I won't allow myself to eat because that wouldn't be "following the plan". Why does that sound so familiar?