Vanilla Dreams

This rollercoaseter dream, this fantasy ride.
I dont know when it started, or when it ends.
All i know is everyday i think of you and smile.
And everyday i think of you and cry.
A whirlwind.
A tunnel.
It all moves so quickly.
To stop and think doesnt make me pause.
But to pause makes me think.
My mind seems empty.
Yet full
Your eyes, so beautiful.
What does it mean to you?

I hope youre happy :)

You said you'd be there. You told me that you would never dare leave. You smiled, and laughed, scrunched your nose and exchanged my looks. But then you left. And you weren't there when i needed you most. Your words turned into lies, and you talked behind me. Writing words upon my pages. My open book. Then destroying it and not looking back. Im so tired. I think ill sleep but when i wake, will you be there? or will you be off, talking more, and thinking less, while i lie awake hurting inside?

Its like hermione granger hair on my arms

Vanilla, and fruit, a hint of warm hair products, and tropical lotion. My scent of choice du jour. Fragrance punctures the air, and i smile, breathing in this sense of beauty. I sit, cross-legged on my bed, warm and comfortable- a folder in my lap. Air fills my lungs, and drops of heaven pour from my soul as i open my mouth and sing with all my heart. I sing away the time, and my worries, the thoughts of things happy and sad, i sing and feel wonderful, stunning. Sing and sing. If i could sing forever i would, and act.

I run my fingers over the words, memorizing. Their voices call to me, whispering stories of far-off lands. I change, become a better me. Another part of me, one hiding until now. These monologues say the words i cannot and i laugh because this is what passion is. I want to share this joy with others, these words holed up inside, but i must wait for the spotlight to hit before i tell my piece.

With Sassafrass

I laugh, mimicking the inside joke. My heart swells, knowing i am part of an "us" now. Is it official? The way we act, best friends always act this way. Is it the same for you? The feeling that you are my best friend? That i wouldnt stop being your friend no matter what? Ive broken my heart before. And will again, i just want someone there to know when to comfort, and how to be gentle with me. Just as friends of course. Someone to pick me up when im falling, and just know. But then, i shouldnt really need that someone should i? Because i can pick myself up. But its the knowledge that counts. The intentions behind the words that truly matters. At least to me.

Something always brings me back to you...

My heart is shattering. Into pieces. Being torn from my chest.
You look at me, this gravitational pull which sends my head into dissarray.
Spinning, spinning, only to land in a place where i am alone. Empty. Deserted.
Movies, take away the pain, send me spiraling into another land, if only for the moment. I need to get away from this pull twards you, but i can't. A dog chasing it's tail. Neverending. Love makes us happy, sends us soaring towards the heavens, but then we crash. Like now. The tears in my heart are hurting again. I need ducttape to fix my wounds. Or you. But you will never come. I dont believe in love. Not now, not for me. How can i? With so many wounds. Unloveable. Hope strikes me, ripping me apart, and putting me back togeather, such a bipolar word. Like faith, and love. Never quite made up its mind. This pounding in my chest will never go away. Passion, they call it. For what, ill never know

A lot of livin to do!

I laugh and smile. The lights go down and music plays. I shine. To act, and sing along with friends again. I feel free and happy. If only for a little while. Performing is what i was meant to do. It is everything to me. The one place where i feel like me again. It brought me back. And saved me.

Broken Tinker Toy

Ive forgotten.
What it feels like.
To draw so beautifully.
To sing, and actually feel talented.
To be happy and carefree.
To feel like my friends would never judge me.
To be just...me and to be happy with that.
I know that i could never be perfect. And i dont want to be. I just want to be happy again. To bask in the warmth of your love and glow in my own confidence. To be proud, and able to argue, instead of shrinking back and feeling guilty as soon as someone declares an opionion that isnt the same as mine. Feeling ashamed because i cant be strong in who i am. Wishing i even knew who that was. I cling to these material objects, and empty facts. Telling myself to look at what ive accomplished, and pushing ever further. But such shallow victories are easily seen through. Leaving me yearning for something new. Forgive me if i seem a little off. A little different. A little withdrawn. Ive forgotten.